How Gratitude Strengthens Mentoring Relationships

Opening Story

The fire had burned lower than we expected, and the damp air kept pulling the heat away faster than we could replace it. I watched him sit there, elbows on his knees, staring into the coals like he was trying to find something in them. We had spent the entire day hiking—longer than planned, harder than advertised—and everyone was quiet in that way that only comes after physical exhaustion strips the surface conversations away. No one was trying to impress anyone anymore. No one had energy left for pretending. It was just us, a circle of tired bodies and flickering light, waiting for someone to speak.

He broke the silence without looking up. He said, almost casually, “I don’t think I’ve ever said thank you to him.” No one responded right away, partly because it wasn’t clear who he meant. Then he kept going, slower this time, as if he was discovering the words while he said them. He started listing things—rides, meals, conversations, times someone showed up when they didn’t have to. As he talked, his voice shifted. It wasn’t just information anymore. It was recognition. Something was catching up inside of him that had been building for years.

In that moment, I realized gratitude had been growing long before it was ever spoken. No one had coached him to say those words. No one had prompted him or reminded him. It surfaced because something deeper had taken root over time. And sitting there in the dark, I started to see how often I mistake gratitude for something that should show up quickly, when in reality it often arrives slowly, quietly, and only after it has been formed through relationship.

Core Problem

I have spent a lot of time around mentors who genuinely want kids to be grateful, and I understand the instinct behind it. We want them to recognize what they have. We want them to appreciate effort, sacrifice, and care. We want them to grow into people who do not take things for granted. But if I am honest, I have also seen how quickly that desire can turn into frustration when gratitude does not show up in the ways we expect.

I have heard mentors say things like, “He never says thank you,” or “She just expects it now,” or “I don’t think they realize how much I do for them.” Those statements are not wrong, but they reveal something deeper about how we think gratitude is supposed to work. We often treat it like a behavior that should appear once enough good has been given. If I invest time, energy, and care, then the natural response should be appreciation. When that does not happen, it can feel like something is broken.

The problem is that we often expect gratitude to appear as a response before it has been formed as a capacity. Especially for kids coming from hard places, gratitude is not simply missing because they are ungrateful. It is often missing because it has never been developed. Many of these kids have learned to scan the world for what is absent, unsafe, or inconsistent. Their attention has been trained toward survival, not appreciation. When that is the case, asking them to “be grateful” without helping them build the foundation for it is like asking them to speak a language they have never been taught.

Core Principle

Gratitude is not something kids naturally express; it is something they learn through relationship.

That realization has changed the way I approach almost every interaction I have as a mentor. Instead of asking, “Why aren’t they grateful?” I have started asking, “What have they been taught to notice, understand, feel, and express?” Because gratitude is not a single moment of saying thank you. It is the result of a process that unfolds over time.

When I think about gratitude this way, I stop trying to produce it and start trying to cultivate it. Cultivation takes patience. It takes intentionality. It takes a willingness to invest in things that may not show immediate results. But it also aligns much more closely with how growth actually works, especially in the context of mentoring relationships. If I want gratitude to become part of who a young person is, I have to be willing to walk with them through the process that forms it.

Expanded Insight

Over time, I have come to see that gratitude tends to grow through four relational movements: noticing, thinking, feeling, and doing. These are not steps in a rigid formula, but they are patterns I have observed again and again in relationships where gratitude becomes genuine and lasting.

The first movement is noticing. Gratitude begins with attention. If a young person does not see what is good, they cannot be grateful for it. That sounds obvious, but it is often where the process breaks down. Many of the kids I have worked with have become experts at noticing what is missing. They notice when someone does not show up. They notice when something feels unfair. They notice when they are overlooked. That awareness makes sense given their experiences, but it also means their attention has not been trained to recognize provision, effort, or care.

I remember sitting with a mentee after a long day at school, and all he could talk about was what went wrong. Every story pointed to something negative. At one point, I paused and asked him, “Did anything go right today?” He shrugged at first, then hesitated, then mentioned something small—a teacher who helped him with an assignment. We stayed there longer than he expected. We talked about that moment, what it meant, and why it mattered. It was not dramatic, but it was a shift. Helping him notice that moment was the beginning of helping him see his world differently.

The second movement is thinking. Once something is noticed, it needs meaning. Kids do not automatically understand why something good has been given to them. In some cases, they may even assume there are strings attached. I have had conversations where a mentee asked me directly, “Why do you keep showing up?” That question carries a lot of weight. It reveals a history where care was conditional or inconsistent.

In those moments, I have learned not to deflect or give surface-level answers. I tell them the truth. I tell them I enjoy being with them. I tell them they matter to me. I tell them I choose to be there. Those explanations help them connect the experience of receiving something good with an understanding of why it was given. Over time, that connection builds a foundation for gratitude that is rooted in meaning, not confusion.

The third movement is feeling. Gratitude is not just cognitive; it is emotional. If a young person cannot access or name what they feel, gratitude will remain shallow. I have had mentees who could describe events in detail but struggled to articulate how those events affected them. When I asked, “How did that make you feel?” I often got silence or a one-word answer.

Instead of moving on, I have learned to stay there and help them find language. I might offer options: “Did it make you feel proud, or maybe relieved, or something else?” Sometimes they latch onto a word. Sometimes they adjust it. Sometimes it takes time. But as they begin to connect experiences with emotions, something deepens. When a young person feels the impact of what they have received, gratitude moves from obligation to authenticity.

The final movement is doing. This is where expression comes in—saying thank you, writing a note, acknowledging someone’s effort. These behaviors matter, but they are most powerful when they are the result of the previous movements. When a young person has noticed something good, understood why it was given, and felt its impact, expressing gratitude becomes natural rather than forced.

I think back to that night around the fire. No one told him to say thank you. No one reminded him of what his mentor had done. He had noticed it over time. He had come to understand it. He felt it deeply in that moment. And then he expressed it. That is what cultivated gratitude looks like. It is not rushed. It is not scripted. It is real.

Here are some practical ways to apply this principal:

Slow down moments you would have previously rushed past.

One of the most important shifts I have made is intentionally slowing down moments that I would have previously rushed past. When something good happens in my mentee’s life, I resist the urge to simply acknowledge it and move on. Instead, I stay there longer than feels necessary. I ask questions that draw out details, and I help them notice what they might otherwise overlook. This practice has changed the pace of my interactions, but it has also created space for awareness to grow in ways that would not happen if I kept moving.

Explain your own actions more often.

I also make it a point to explain my own actions more often than I used to. When I show up, I do not assume they understand why. I tell them. I say things like, “I look forward to this time,” or “I enjoy being with you,” or “You matter to me.” These statements may feel obvious to me, but they are not always obvious to them. By naming my intentions, I am helping them build a framework for understanding care and consistency in a way that supports gratitude later on.

Help your mentee develop emotional language in real time.

Another practice I have adopted is helping my mentee develop emotional language in real time. When something meaningful happens, I ask simple but intentional questions about how it felt. If they struggle to answer, I offer words as options, not as corrections. Over time, I have seen their vocabulary expand, and with it, their ability to connect experiences with emotions. This has been one of the most significant contributors to deeper, more authentic expressions of gratitude.

Model gratitude in everyday situations.

I have also become more aware of how I model gratitude in everyday situations. When we are together, I make a point to thank people out loud, to acknowledge effort, and to express appreciation in ways that are visible. I am not doing it as a performance, but I am aware that they are watching. They are learning not just from what I say to them, but from how I interact with the world around me. Modeling gratitude consistently creates a pattern they can observe and eventually imitate.

Be patient with the process.

Finally, I have learned to be patient with the process. There have been seasons where I did not see any visible signs of gratitude, and it would have been easy to assume nothing was happening. But relationships are not always immediately revealing. The work of noticing, thinking, and feeling often happens beneath the surface long before it is expressed. Trusting that process has allowed me to stay engaged without becoming discouraged by what I do not yet see.

Conclusion (Bottom Line)

Gratitude is not something I can demand, remind, or rush into existence in a young person’s life. It is something that grows as I walk with them, helping them learn to see what is good, understand why it is given, feel its impact, and eventually express it in their own way. When I shift my focus from correcting behavior to cultivating awareness and understanding, I begin to see gratitude take root in ways that are deeper and more lasting than anything I could have produced through instruction alone.

Discussion Questions

When you think about your mentee, where do you see gaps in noticing, thinking, feeling, or expressing, and how might that shape your approach moving forward?

How can you intentionally slow down your next interaction to create space for gratitude to be cultivated rather than simply expected?