How Mentors Raise Up the Next Generation of Leaders
Opening Story
The room had gone quieter than I expected after he asked the question. We were sitting across from each other at a worn wooden table, papers scattered between us, talking about what it looked like for him to step into more responsibility. He had been showing up consistently, asking good questions, and slowly earning trust. But when I told him I wanted him to lead part of what we were doing, he leaned back, folded his arms, and looked at me with a mix of confusion and hesitation. He did not say no, but he also did not say yes. Instead, he asked, “Why would you give this to me when you could just do it better?” The question lingered in the space between us, and I could tell he was not challenging me. He was trying to understand something he had rarely seen before.
I did not rush to answer. I had learned that moments like this are not about efficiency. They are about formation. I could feel the tension in myself too, because part of me wanted to keep control. It would be easier. It would be faster. It would probably be cleaner. But I have learned that ease and effectiveness are not always the same thing in mentoring. So I looked back at him and told him the truth. I said, “Because one day, you won’t need me to do it. And my job is to help you get there.”
The Core Problem
One of the most common mistakes I see in mentoring is subtle, and it often comes from a good place. Mentors step in, take ownership, and carry the weight of responsibility because they care deeply about the outcome. They want things to go well. They want the mentee to succeed. They want to protect the process. But over time, that instinct can turn into something else entirely. It can turn into control.
I have felt this in my own life more times than I would like to admit. There is a quiet satisfaction that comes from being needed. When someone depends on you, it affirms your role and your value. But if I am not careful, I can start building a mentoring relationship around that need. I can begin to measure success by how much they rely on me instead of how much they grow beyond me. That shift is small at first, but it changes everything.
When mentoring becomes about being needed instead of building independence, we unintentionally limit the very people we are trying to help. Kids, especially those from hard places, have often experienced instability, inconsistency, and loss. They have seen adults leave, withdraw, or fail to follow through. So when a mentor shows up consistently, it creates something powerful. It builds trust. But if that trust is not paired with intentional growth, it can become dependency instead of development.
I have watched mentors burn out because they carried too much for too long. I have seen mentees struggle because they were never invited to step into responsibility. And I have felt the tension of knowing that what I was doing was helpful in the short term but limiting in the long term. The problem is not that mentors care too much. The problem is that we often do not think far enough ahead.
The Core Principle
At its core, mentoring is not about holding power. It is about giving it away.
This principle sounds simple, but it is deeply challenging to live out. Giving away responsibility requires trust, patience, and a willingness to let things unfold imperfectly. It requires me to believe that my role is not to be the best performer in the room, but to help someone else grow into that role over time. It also requires me to redefine what success looks like.
For a long time, I measured success by outcomes. Did things go well? Did we accomplish what we set out to do? Did the mentee respond positively? Those questions are not wrong, but they are incomplete. Over time, I have had to learn to ask a different question. Did I create space for them to grow, even if it meant the outcome was not perfect?
True mentoring shifts the focus from performance to preparation. It is not just about what happens today. It is about who they are becoming for tomorrow. That shift changes how I show up. It changes how I respond to mistakes. It changes how I handle control. And it changes how I define my role in their life.
Expanded Insight
I think about a mentor I spoke with who had spent decades in high-level work, leading, training, and developing others in intense environments. When he talked about his experience, he did not focus on the achievements or the accolades. He talked about the people he had raised up along the way. He described how everything he had learned eventually pointed him toward one simple realization. The real work was not what he accomplished. It was who he developed.
That perspective challenged me. It forced me to look at my own tendencies and ask whether I was actually preparing people to stand on their own. It also made me reflect on how this plays out in mentoring relationships, especially with young people who have not been given many opportunities to lead.
Many of the kids I have worked with are used to being told what to do. Structure has been something done to them, not something they participate in. So when I invite them into responsibility, it can feel unfamiliar and even uncomfortable. They may resist it at first. They may doubt themselves. They may question my decision, just like the young man sitting across from me at that table.
But that resistance is not a signal to pull back. It is a signal to stay engaged.
I have learned that growth often looks like hesitation before it looks like confidence. When I give someone responsibility, I am not just asking them to complete a task. I am inviting them into a new way of seeing themselves. I am saying, “I believe you can carry this.” And for many of them, that is a new experience.
There have been moments where I handed something off and it did not go well. Things were missed. Communication broke down. The outcome was not what I had hoped for. In those moments, I have felt the temptation to take it back. To step in and fix it. To regain control. But if I always step in at the first sign of imperfection, I train them to depend on me instead of developing themselves.
That does not mean I disappear. It means I stay present in a different way. I ask questions. I offer guidance. I help them reflect on what happened and what they would do differently next time. I stay close enough to support, but far enough to let them grow.
This approach also reshapes how I think about time. Giving away responsibility takes longer. It requires conversations, patience, and follow-up. It can feel inefficient compared to just doing it myself. But over time, it creates something far more sustainable. It builds capacity, not just completion.
I have also come to see that this principle is deeply connected to faith. Letting go of control requires me to trust that God is at work in their life, not just through me, but beyond me. It reminds me that I am not the source of their growth. I am a participant in it. That perspective frees me to hold things more loosely and invest more intentionally.
Here are some practical ways to apply this principal:
Start with a clear picture of where you are going
Before I can give away responsibility, I need to know what I am preparing someone for. That does not mean I have every detail mapped out, but I need a sense of the kind of person I hope they are becoming. When I sit down with a mentee, I try to picture what it would look like for them to lead, make decisions, and carry responsibility with confidence. From there, I can begin to identify small, meaningful opportunities for them to step into that future now. This keeps me from reacting randomly and helps me move with intention.
Give responsibility in pieces, not all at once
One of the mistakes I have made is waiting too long and then handing off too much at once. That can overwhelm a mentee and set them up to struggle unnecessarily. Instead, I have learned to break responsibility into smaller parts. I might invite them to lead a conversation, make a decision, or take ownership of one aspect of a larger task. As they grow, those pieces can expand. This approach builds confidence over time and allows me to stay engaged in the process without taking over.
Stay present without taking control
When something does not go as planned, my instinct is often to step in and fix it. But I have learned to pause and ask whether my involvement is helping or hindering their growth. Instead of immediately correcting, I try to ask questions that help them think through what happened. I might say, “What do you think worked?” or “What would you do differently next time?” This keeps them engaged in the learning process and communicates that I trust them to figure things out with guidance.
Normalize the discomfort of growth
Stepping into responsibility is rarely comfortable, especially for someone who has not experienced it before. I try to name that openly with my mentees. I let them know that feeling unsure or hesitant is part of the process, not a sign that they are failing. When I share my own experiences of learning and growing, it helps them see that confidence is built over time, not something you have to have from the start. This creates a safer environment for them to take risks and keep going.
Celebrate ownership, not just outcomes
It is easy to celebrate when something goes well, but I have learned to pay attention to something deeper. Did they take initiative? Did they step up when it mattered? Did they try something new? When I highlight those moments, it reinforces the kind of growth I am looking for. It tells them that their willingness to take responsibility matters, even when the result is not perfect. Over time, this shifts their focus from avoiding mistakes to embracing growth.
Conclusion
Mentoring changes when I stop trying to be indispensable and start focusing on being intentional. The goal is not to hold everything together for as long as possible. It is to prepare someone else to carry what has been entrusted to them with confidence and clarity. That requires me to let go of control, embrace imperfection, and trust the process of growth. When I live this way, I begin to see that my impact is not measured by how much I do, but by how well others are equipped to do what comes next. Legacy in mentoring is not built by holding on, but by faithfully handing off what has been given to me.
Discussion Questions
Where in my mentoring relationships am I holding on to responsibility that I should begin to share or give away?
What is one specific opportunity I can create this week for a mentee to step into ownership, even if it feels uncomfortable?
