How to Call Kids Up Instead of Calling Them Out
The gym was loud, with sneakers squeaking on the polished floor, wives and girlfriends leaning forward in folding chairs, and the scoreboard glowing above us like the game mattered far more than it should have. I was in my mid-twenties, competitive, confident, and carrying enough immaturity to believe intensity was the same thing as strength.
I was taking my church league basketball game way to seriously.
We were ahead by a lot, but I was playing every possession as if something important depended on it. I drove to the basket, took contact, and heard no whistle. Before I could slow myself down, frustration spilled out of me in a way that did not match the moment or the man I wanted to become.
I remember arguing with the referee, my voice getting louder as my body language made the rest of the point for me. It was not simply competitiveness. Pride, entitlement, and a lack of self-control were all showing up in real time. In a gym full of people who knew my faith, I was acting like somebody else.
Then a man stepped in front of me. He did not come at me with more volume or try to embarrass me in front of everybody. He put his hands lightly on my shoulders, looked me in the eyes, and said, “This is not who you are. You are a man of God. This is not how you talk.”
I did not argue or explain the missed call. In that moment, he was not trying to win an argument with me. He was reminding me of the person I was called to be.
Fifteen years later, I still remember that interaction. I remember it not because somebody made me feel small, but because someone had the courage to confront me without reducing me to my worst minute. He did not ignore what I had done. He simply refused to let that moment define me.
The Difference Between Shame and Direction
Mentors have a responsibility to correct, guide, and help young people make better choices. Kids need adults who will not look away when something is harmful, dishonest, disrespectful, or destructive. A mentoring relationship without truth eventually becomes shallow, because it teaches a young person that we care more about being liked than we care about their growth.
But correction can land in two very different ways. It can sound like shame, which says, “This is what is wrong with you,” or it can offer direction, which says, “This choice does not match who you are becoming.” Both may address the same behavior, but only one preserves dignity while calling a young person toward something better.
I have made the mistake of correcting too fast. When a mentee lies, shuts down, lashes out, or refuses to participate, it is easy to respond to the visible behavior and assume I know what it means. I can call it disrespect, laziness, or a bad attitude before I have taken time to understand the story underneath it.
That approach creates distance because a child who already expects rejection may hear my correction as confirmation that they are a problem. A young person who feels ashamed may become defensive, not because they do not care, but because they are protecting the last bit of dignity they think they have. Calling a kid out may get their attention, but calling a kid up gives them something to rise toward.
What Malik Was Really Trying to Control
I think about a young man named Malik. Malik had a way of turning every group activity into a problem. He interrupted, made comments under his breath, and pushed back whenever an adult gave instructions. Teachers had a long list of reasons they found him difficult, and if I am honest, I understood why.
At first, I treated Malik’s behavior as the issue. I pulled him aside, told him what needed to stop, and reminded him of expectations. He would comply briefly, but the pattern returned, and my frustration grew.
Over time, I learned that Malik lived in unpredictable environments where plans changed, promises were broken, and conflict could flare up quickly. His behavior was not random. Malik had learned that if he could control the room, even a little, he might feel less controlled by it.
The disruption was not okay, and other kids still deserved a safe, focused space. But understanding Malik’s story changed the way I spoke to him.
One afternoon, after he had interrupted again, I asked him to step outside with me. I wanted to tell him everything he was doing wrong, but instead I said, “Malik, you have a lot of influence in that room. People watch you. You can use that influence to blow things up, or you can use it to help create something better. I think you are capable of leading.”
He stared at me for a second, then looked down. Malik did not become a different person that afternoon. He still had hard days. He still made choices that needed to be addressed. But the conversation gave us a different starting point.
I was no longer only saying, “Stop disrupting.” I was saying, “You have leadership in you, and I want to help you learn how to use it.”
Correction Needs a Bigger Story
Behavior is rarely random. It is shaped by experience, reinforced by environments, and often connected to what a young person believes about themselves. A kid who has been called a problem enough times may eventually decide there is no reason to act like anything else. A young person who has experienced instability may try to control every room they enter because control feels safer than uncertainty.
When I correct behavior without speaking to identity, I am working on the surface. When I correct behavior while also naming who a young person can become, I am reaching deeper.
This is not a softer way to avoid difficult conversations. Malik’s interruption was not okay, and Malik was more than an interruption. A mentee may need to own a lie, apologize for disrespect, repair harm, or accept a consequence, but none of those things has to become the final label on their life.
A mentor can say, “That choice hurt someone, and you need to make it right,” while also saying, “You are not beyond repair.” We call young people toward responsibility because we see value in them, not because we are tired of managing them.
Kids can feel the difference. They know when an adult is trying to win a power struggle. They also know when an adult is willing to tell the truth because the relationship matters.
Start With Your Own Heart
The first thing I have to check before correcting a mentee is myself. Am I frustrated because this young person is genuinely making a harmful choice, or am I embarrassed, inconvenienced, tired, or trying to regain control of the room?
My first response is not always my best one. If I correct while my emotions are high, I may use words that sting instead of words that guide, and I may be technically right while doing damage in how I say it.
Slowing down does not mean ignoring harm or avoiding immediate intervention when safety is involved. It means taking a breath, keeping my tone firm without contempt, and asking what I want this young person to hear. They may need to hear, “You are better than this choice,” or, “I am for you, and that is why we need to talk.” Correction becomes more fruitful when it comes from care instead of reaction.
Six Ways to Call a Kid Up
Slow down long enough to choose your words
Before you address behavior, take a breath and ask God to help you speak from love rather than irritation. Direct does not have to mean harsh.
Begin with something true
Find a truthful foundation before you address the issue. “I have seen you be thoughtful with younger kids” reminds them that the mistake is not the whole person.
Invite reflection instead of delivering a verdict
Questions can help a young person own what happened. “How do you think that went?” “What do you think that did to the group?” “Is that moving you closer to the person you want to become?” Those questions make space for responsibility without turning the conversation into a courtroom.
Connect choices to the future they want
Connect the present choice to the future they say they want. “You have talked about wanting people to trust you. How does this choice help or hurt that?”
Stay close after the hard conversation
Many young people expect correction to lead to withdrawal. Keep showing up after hard conversations so your mentee experiences that accountability and belonging can live in the same relationship.
Say out loud that you are for them
Say it clearly: “I am for you. I believe you can grow.” Those words do not remove consequences, but can keep consequences from becoming shame.
What Happens After the Conversation
The real test of correction is what happens next. If I call a mentee up and then become distant, impatient, or cold, my words will not feel believable. A young person needs to see that my commitment survives the difficult moment.
With Malik, that meant greeting him the same way after a hard day, asking about his life, and looking for chances to give him responsibility. I addressed the behavior, but did not make every interaction about it.
Over time, Malik began to test the new story. He sometimes helped settle a group instead of stirring it up, and looked at me after tense moments as if asking whether I still saw him the same way. Each time, I reinforced that leadership was not a compliment for good behavior but something I believed he could grow into.
That is what calling a kid up does. It gives them a future-facing identity that is stronger than the label they have carried. It tells them, “I see more in you than this moment, and I am willing to stay while you learn to see it too.”
The Words I Still Remember
I still remember the man in the gym putting his hands on my shoulders and saying, “This is not who you are.” I needed to hear it because I was acting in a way that was beneath the life I wanted to live. He did not soften the truth, but he delivered it in a way that gave me a path back.
That is the kind of correction I want to offer young people.
I do not want to point out every flaw, embarrass kids into compliance, or make them feel like they have to earn their place with me. I want to be the kind of mentor who can look at a hard moment and say, “This matters, and we are going to deal with it. But I still see who you are becoming.”
Calling a mentee up requires patience, humility, and courage. It asks us to see beyond the behavior without pretending the behavior does not matter. It asks us to speak truth in a way that protects dignity and invites growth.
Young people need adults who will tell them the truth. They also need adults who will tell them a truer story about themselves than the one they may be living from.
Discussion Questions
When you correct a mentee, are you more focused on stopping the behavior or calling them toward who they can become?
What do you need to check in your own heart before you address a difficult moment with a young person?
What is one identity-based statement you can use this week to help a mentee take responsibility without carrying shame?
