Why Calling a Mentee by Name Matters
The first thing I noticed about Dustin was how quickly he changed the subject whenever anything personal came up.
We were sitting on a worn-out couch in the corner of a crowded youth room. A game was happening near the doors, somebody had music playing too loudly from a phone, and kids kept cutting through the room on their way to the snack table. Dustin sat at the far end of the couch, leaning forward with his elbows on his knees and his hands tucked together like he was ready to get up at any moment.
I asked Dustin about school. He gave me a one-word answer.
I asked what he did over the weekend. He shrugged.
Then I asked what he liked to do when nobody was making him do anything. For just a second, Dustin lit up. He mentioned drawing. He started telling me about characters he sketched in the margins of his notebooks and how he liked making up logos for teams that did not exist.
Then Dustin laughed, shook his head, and said, “It’s dumb.”
The whole moment happened fast. Dustin offered something real, then pulled it back before I could look at it too closely.
I did not need every detail of Dustin’s backstory to recognize what was happening. Dustin had learned to test the water before he trusted it. He had learned to offer a small piece of himself, watch how people responded, and pull back quickly if he thought he might be rejected.
That afternoon, I did not try to force a deeper conversation. I just said, “I don’t think that’s dumb. I think you have an eye for things most people miss. I want to see some of those drawings sometime.”
Dustin looked at me for a second, then looked away. He did not say much after that. But before he left, Dustin turned back toward me and said, “Maybe I’ll bring one next week.”
That did not feel like a breakthrough. It felt more like a door cracked open just enough for light to get through.
But it reminded me that many kids are not disengaged because they do not have anything inside them. They are disengaged because they have learned that being fully known can be dangerous.
When a Kid Keeps Trying on New Selves
I have watched kids change versions of themselves depending on who is in the room. Around one group, they become the funny kid. Around another, they become tough. In class, they may act like they do not care. At home, they may become quiet and agreeable. In front of adults, they may say whatever they think will keep them from getting in trouble.
It is easy to look at that and call it inconsistency, immaturity, or attention-seeking. But many kids are trying to survive socially and emotionally. They are reading the room, watching what gets accepted, and trying to figure out which version of themselves might finally be enough.
Dustin’s story reflects this in a way that makes sense to me. Dustin tried on identity after identity, hoping one of them would finally give him a place to belong. Each version came with a little hope that maybe this time people would accept him. Each one gave him temporary connection, followed by the same old ache underneath.
When I look at a young person like Dustin, I do not just see confusion. I see resilience that has not been directed yet. Kids still need truth and correction, but mentors cannot keep responding to the loudest version of a kid and never take the time to notice the person underneath.
Josh Chose to See Dustin
One of the most powerful things in Dustin’s story is that Josh did not begin by trying to fix him.
Josh did not sit Dustin down and analyze every identity he had tried on. Josh did not make Dustin explain every bad choice or every phase of his life. Josh did something both simpler and harder. Josh paid attention. Josh spoke directly to Dustin’s identity. Josh treated Dustin like someone who already belonged.
It is easy to make mentoring about our plan, advice, and ability to steer someone in the right direction. It is harder to stay present long enough to notice who a young person is becoming and call out dignity in a kid who has learned to hide behind a joke, a label, or a bad decision.
Josh saw something in Dustin that Dustin could not yet see in himself. Josh used Dustin’s name. Josh spoke to him directly. Josh called out what was true, not simply what was loud.
That is one reason calling a mentee by name matters. A name says, “I see you. I remember you, and I am paying attention to your story.” For a child who has spent years trying to become whoever everybody else needs them to be, hearing their name used with care can become a meaningful reminder that they do not have to disappear.
A Name Can Become a Mirror
I have had moments with students where I wanted to correct behavior and move on. One young man I mentored made jokes at his own expense constantly. He would point out his flaws before anyone else could. He was quick, funny, and practiced at making himself the punchline.
It would have been easy to laugh along. It would have been easy to tell him to stop being negative. But one day, after he made another joke about himself, I stopped and said, “You know, Jordan, you are one of the most observant people I have ever been around. You notice things other people miss, and you use humor because you see the room better than most people do.”
Jordan did not answer right away. He looked at me like he did not know what to do with that.
The comment did not change everything overnight. Jordan still made the jokes. But I had named something true before Jordan could dismiss it.
We do not flatter kids or give them fake praise. We pay attention closely enough to say what is true. We tell them, “I saw the way you included that new kid.” We say, “You kept trying even though you were frustrated.” Specific words carry more weight than generic compliments because they show a young person that we are watching closely enough to notice growth, courage, kindness, leadership, creativity, and resilience.
Over time, those words can become a mirror. A mentee begins to see a reflection that is different from the labels they have carried.
The Difference Between a Label and a Calling
A label traps a child in what has happened. A calling invites a child into what can become true.
Labels sound like this: lazy, dramatic, disrespectful, troublemaker, needy, behind, difficult.
A calling sounds different. A calling says, “You are capable of more than this.” A calling says, “You are a leader, so I am going to hold you to a higher standard.” A calling says, “You have influence, and I want you to learn how to use it well.”
That does not mean we use spiritual language to avoid correction. It means correction is connected to identity instead of shame.
When Dustin makes a poor choice, I can say, “Dustin, that was not okay, and you need to make it right. But that choice does not get to define you.” When a mentee lies, I can say, “I expect honesty from you because you are someone who can be trusted.” When a young person quits, I can say, “I understand why this feels hard, but I have seen you keep going before.”
Kids need adults who can hold both truth and hope at the same time. They need adults who are willing to say, “This has to change,” without saying, “You are beyond changing.”
How to Use a Name With Intention
Listen for the thing they almost dismiss
Pay attention when a mentee lights up, then immediately makes a joke or changes the subject. That small moment may reveal an interest, strength, dream, or part of their personality they do not yet trust people to see.
Stay with it gently. You might say, “Dustin, you got excited when you mentioned that. Tell me more.” You are not forcing a confession. You are showing a kid that what is real about them has room to exist.
Name what you see before they minimize it
When a kid says something meaningful and then quickly dismisses it, do not always let the moment pass. If a mentee says they like drawing and then calls it stupid, say, “I do not think that is stupid. I think you are creative, and I want to hear more about it.”
That kind of response helps separate the truth from the defense they have built around it.
Be specific enough to be believed
“I am proud of you” matters. But it often lands deeper when you can say why.
“I am proud of the way you stayed in that conversation when you wanted to walk away.” “I noticed you helped that younger kid without anybody asking you.” “You handled that disappointment with more maturity than you realize.”
Specificity tells a young person that you are paying attention.
Refuse to let one moment become their identity
Kids will make poor choices. They will say things they should not say. They will test boundaries, withdraw, and sometimes make a mess.
Address it honestly. But do not let the entire relationship become about the failure.
A mentor can say, “Dustin, this choice does not line up with who you are,” and then help Dustin find a way to repair what happened. That gives correction a path back to dignity.
Keep showing up after the good moment
The hardest part of identity work is that it usually happens slowly.
A single conversation will not undo years of rejection or confusion. But repeated moments of being seen can begin to weaken the lies a young person has believed. Keep using their name. Keep noticing. Keep saying what is true. Keep returning after hard days.
That is how words become believable.
The Long Work of Being Known
When I think back to Dustin on that couch, I remember how quickly he tried to pull back after telling me he liked to draw. He had learned to protect himself before someone else could decide that the real version of him was not worth much.
But a mentor has the opportunity to interrupt that pattern.
Not by having the perfect speech. Not by knowing every detail of a kid’s story. Not by making a young person become someone they are not.
We interrupt the pattern by seeing them. We use their name. We remember what matters to them. We tell the truth about what we see. We hold them accountable without reducing them to their worst moment. We keep showing up long enough for them to believe that being known does not have to lead to rejection.
Calling a mentee by name matters because names carry dignity. A name makes a kid more than a behavior, a problem, a statistic, or a project. A name reminds us that we are sitting across from a whole person with a story, a future, gifts, fears, and a deep need to belong.
That is the work.
We help a young person hear a truer story about who they are, one truthful sentence at a time, until they begin to believe it for themselves.
Discussion Questions
Where have you seen a mentee briefly reveal something true about themselves, then pull back or minimize it?
What is one specific identity statement you can begin speaking over your mentee based on what you have already seen?
How can you use your mentee’s name this week in a way that communicates dignity, attention, and belonging?
